I’ve been feeling a little under the weather for the past 2 days and as a result I’ve found myself on a slight conspiracy theory television binge. Instead of going out of my way to buy flu medicine and downing gallons of chicken noodle soup, I’ve been sipping the sweet nectar and innocently raiding the Christmas treats stash every time I wander from the couch. I’ve come to a few possibly civilization altering conclusions in my downtime:
1) Jesse “The Body” Ventura could easily pass for a scarier but slightly less eccentric version of Stark County, Ohio’s Phil “Screamin” Davison. Maybe a little too easily... Phil Davison’s speech was given on September 8, 2010, just one day before The Body’s upcoming movie Woodshop was set to be released. At 6:38pm (The Body happens to be the 38th Governor of Minnesota) the same day as the movie’s release, there was a huge gas-line explosion in a residential neighborhood in San Bruno, California. The same California that is governed by Arnold “the Governator” Schwarzenegger. Both Governors had major roles in the 1987 film Predator, mere months before The Body's co-commentator of Superstars of Wrestling's Sammartino's departure from the WWF in 1988. Stark County is 1 of 88 counties in Ohio. Coincidence? I’ll let you be the judge.
2) Every bag of pretzels should come with chapstick and a bottle of water. No crazy conspiracy here, my lips are just really chapped and I’m starting to get thirsty. And…
3) Cellphone and key swallowing crevices that are smaller than an average sized hand should not be allowed to exist in couches. Cause it’s no fun having to dig through cushions with a wooden spoon and a spatula.
There seems to be a few common trends with the interviewees throughout all of the accounts of alien abductions, zombie apocalypse scenarios, and radical government coverups. Maybe if I grow out a sweet mullet and some mutton chops I’ll have a chance to be entered into the distinguished pool of citizens whisked away by a civilization from the future that has come to cherry pick the finest our population has to offer. It’s a lot like playing the lottery I bet; the more characteristics of a stereotypical schizophrenic backwoods Alabaman (no offense guys, us Wisconsinites aren’t all that far off) you portray, the better your chances of being beamed up are. Below is a Venn Diagram clearly proving I have no idea how to make a proper Venn Diagram.
