Saturday, December 31, 2011

Treatise of One New Years


Hello peoples of the internet.  I must say, you’re looking fabulous tonight.  Did you get a new haircut?  Or maybe it's just all those good holiday vibes?  Either way, it's that time of the month again where I've built up the energy to post a new, umm... article?... on the Hiatus.  I never really know what to call these things.  Maybe rant is more appropriate?  Ooo, or treatise?  Makes it sound so 1850's.  Let's go with that.

More than any other holiday bar the 4th of July, I look forward to embracing New Year’s Eve with open arms.  And not just because this year I get to bulge my eyeballs while saying "Twenty-Twelve" like the end of the world is doomingly near.  New Year’s Eve is the only holiday where it's socially acceptable to drink dangerous amounts of alcohol alone while shooting fireworks off my balcony and watching YouTube videos on how to fulfill the past years' resolution (learn how to Moonwalk).  Ok, fair enough, so maybe none of those things are socially acceptable.  But for the sake of this treatise let's just pretend they are.  And while we're at it, let's also pretend that a horde of cockroaches didn't break into my storage unit, take refuge in my box full of DVDs, and subsequently shit in every single case and on every CD over the past 11 months.

Today started off appropriately great.  I woke up with a hangover at 1 pm to my neighbors with the white paint-splotched roof screaming at each other because the woman who owns the house locked the tenants out, and one of the tenants needed his clothes to go to work.  So naturally, I sat in the quiet listening to the drama unfold instead of doing something productive.  A lot of F-bombs were flying around and I thought about bringing over some of the cookies I had baked as a gesture of peace and goodwill just to shut them up, but in my silent observance I got hungry and ate them all instead.  Oh well.

After I got bored of the yelling, I turned up some City and Colour and got to celebrating.  Which brings me to now.  So if you'll excuse me, I've got some fireworks to tend to.  Happy New Year’s everyone!  I hope you manage the holidays without losing any of the important limbs/digits.  See you next year.

Monday, December 5, 2011

If The DMV Had Legs, I'd Pay Someone To Break Them

Well, it's been an interesting week to say the least.  Spent half of a day in the DMV actively restraining myself from losing my shit, got a job, gave back the job, was chased down and tackled by a loose dog while I was jogging, and spent the better part of 3 days trying to de-flea our house after the roomie's dog got infested.

Word on the street is Florida law requires that you get a Florida drivers license within 30 days of becoming a resident.  Technically, I've been a resident since my stay back in 2006.  So naturally, I decided to go and get my license about 5 years late.  No biggie.  Well, in order to prevent hours of needless line waiting just to be told by some disgruntled government employee I didn't have the right paperwork, I thought I'd call ahead and check beforehand as to what exactly I needed.
  • A valid Drivers License - Check!
  • Social Security Card - Check!
  • 2 Pieces of Mail with my Name and Address - Check!
Hell, this should be painless, right?  Ya, not so much...  I got there early to avoid the hour long line at lunch.  It turns out that the short line after breakfast is still an hour long, and reeks of urine and cigarette smoke.  After waiting the full hour'ish in front of an obnoxiously ghetto woman who proudly named her daughter Channel Nevaeh because "it's heaven backwards" (for full effect, picture that you're bobbling your head back and forth while pretending you've just found out your baby's daddy is the father of your child on Jerry Springer) and her brother with his cellphone-boombox who "looks like her, but doesn't look like her, but looks more like her baby, but... shit, nah, he don't look like me".  I caught myself cracking up out loud a few times thinking about Finesse Mitchell's Standup.  Luckily, my brain went into autopilot and shut itself off from the world to avoid saying something rash or insincere that might in some crazy fashion be misconstrued as racist.



By the time I finally reached the receptionist I was about as mentally numb as I'm capable of becoming without the graceful nudge of a bottle of booze.  However, this wasn't nearly enough to keep myself from uttering a long drawn out (earmuffs) 'fuuuuuccccckkkkkk' when the guy told me I also needed my birth certificate because Wisconsin, along with a small handful of other Midwest states, is not on the list of Recognized Drivers Licenses as a form of primary identification for Florida.  Apparently my social security card, Florida car registration, 2 pieces of mail with my name and address, credit and debit cards with my name on them, my pasty white complexion, accent-free English, and my current Wisconsin license is not enough to prove I'm me and that I'm not here illegally.  Great.

Long story short, I drove home through lunch traffic, got my birth certificate, drove back to the DMV through even longer lunch traffic, droned out for another hour and a half in line, then gave $48 to a DMV guy for printing me off a new license that took about 13 seconds.  I can't wait till I have to renew my car's registration next year!

Well, it's late, I'm tired of typing, and you're probably (hopefully?) tired of reading, so I'm going to wrap this up and do a new one tomorrow or Wednesday for the dog tackling and our house-turned-cement-factory/coke shack after the flea invasion.  Till then!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

This Week’s Neighborhood Hero (Part 1 of a 1 part series)

I was thinking of starting a new series called Neighborhood Hero of the Week (NHOTW).  The plan is to devote a post every week for a full… well, week probably, to one of my dear neighbors who goes above and beyond what’s required of him/her to become ex-communicated from the pack.  As self-appointed neighborhood liaison (I haven’t informed the other neighbors yet), I feel it is my duty to exploit their failures for my own personal gain… or something along those lines.

This week’s Neighborhood Hero goes out to my kitty-corner neighbor Jim.  His name might not be Jim, but he looks like he could probably be a Jim.  Or maybe a Gary… On second thought, definitely a Jim.  I haven’t officially met Jim yet, but I have studied him from my third floor bedroom window in a totally law abiding, non-pervy fashion.

Jim is a selfless family man, a great pumpkin carver, a huge fan of driveway concerts (read: blaster of really shitty yet catchy music from his truck’s inadequate, rattling speakers), and even played a hand in establishing the community’s first ongoing sawmill project in his very own garage.  I know, keeper!   Now normally, I’m a huge fan of sawmills; the smell of fresh lumber, the abundance of sawdust, the possibility of being witness to a missing finger Easter-egg-style hunt!  What’s not to love!?  But this one is different, mainly because the festivities don’t kick off until sometime after sunset, right when I’m settling in for a little Californication rerun action, and it doesn’t smell good, nor are there missing fingers, ever.  So really, it’s just loud.   Really, really, loud.  And for that, Jim receives this week’s Neighborhood Hero Award.  Congratulations Jim, keep up the good work!

Next week's contenders:  Neighbors across the street who leave passive aggressive notes about our parking on our windshields?  Or maybe side neighbors who get drunk, argue, howl with their dogs, and paint abhorrently large chunks of their roof right outside our living room windows white?  Decisions, decisions...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Giraffe Facts for Potential Pet Owners

Sure, I'd be happy to share some giraffe facts with you!


Very little is known about these majestic creatures, but after many years of tireless research and countless hours spent digging through the archives, I've managed to scrounge together a small assortment of facts about our spotted co-inhabitants.

Giraffes are:

  • Not afraid to pee in public,
  • A great fashion accessory,
  • Perfectly designed for indoor-domestication,
  • Taller than Humans but shorter than a Boeing 767-300,
  • Ideal for making lampshades out of (roughly 7 shades per square meter of giraffe hide),
  • Less scary to encounter in an abandoned warehouse than dogs in the event of a zombie apocalypse, and ...
  • Are semi-officially rated 7.4 Denzels (dnzls) of awesomeness,
    • To put it into perspective, my roomate's sickly pomeranian gets 0.3dnzls while the Kraken (Post Release) from Clash of the Titans gets 9.8dnzls.
    • I've created a diagram (below) to help illustrate this.

Ok, fair enough, so maybe these "facts" sound more like "opinions"... and maybe these "opinions" aren't technically recognized by the scientific community just yet.  But!  Give it time, they'll give in, and when they do you'll have the privilege of telling all your friends you knew them first.  You're welcome.

For more info...
Giraffe Facts on the go

Friday, November 11, 2011

Finally! An Update!


Hello peoples of the internet, long time no see.  How've you been?  I've been well, thanks.  Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, it's time to get down to business.  And first order of business is... an update!

10 months; 15 more countries; 37,738 miles by air, bus, sailboat, and foot (6.3 more of these and I'm at the moon baby!); and I still haven't figured out how to use semi-colons properly.

I finished my globe trotting almost a month and a half ago, but was so caught up with incredibly time consuming, civilization altering decisions (like how to heterosexually accessorize my devil costume for Halloween) that I didn't get around to updating this mal-polished turd.  So, my deepest apologies goes out to all 7 of you out there who might actually read/skim over this :)

After doing Kilimanjaro in early August, my travels took me back through Kenya where I taught English, Math, and Science at a couple of Kibera's primary schools for a few weeks.  By the end of August, I found myself in London and on my way to Cardiff, Wales to visit the gal I met in Australia, trekked with in Nepal, and subsequently worked and traveled with in Kenya.  From Wales, I made my way back through London, under the English Channel, through Paris, across Belgium, and up into Holland for my final few weeks in Europe.  My camera rarely came out of hibernation for the last month or so of my trip to take pictures, but I'll toss up the ones I managed to snap below.

So that leads me to my new life back in America.  I've semi-officially settled into Tampa, Florida and am being enlightened to the weirdness of the city each and every day.  It's a lot like slowly cranking up the juice on one of those adjustable brightness lights in a dark living room, only this light is in an abandoned industrial complex and the joint is filled with shoe-licking teenagers, old men dressed in women's lingerie, and neighbors who howl with their semi crippled dog on their porch.  But more on those later!

- Final pictures from the trip -

Kenya
St. Juliet's Education Center - Kibera, Nairobi, Kenya



Wales
Conquered!
Annabel after the hill
I wasn't nearly as alright with the whole running situation as she
London
How Real Men tame lions!
- With a sledgehammer and some tongs -
 Paris


Holland
Uitmarkt - Amsterdam
The Hague

Mauritshuis Art Gallery
Family roots.  Can't wait to see the rest.

Back in Amsterdam
Dam Square - Amsterdam

Don't be an asshole.
Canal outside the hostel
 Back in America
Sorry we were late picking you up from the airport Curt,
Dave and I were stuck in traffic...
Been a while since I'd seen a California sunset
... or a pretty intense workout :)
The only small dog I've ever grown fond of
Sunset from Griffith Observatory


Los Angeles (and a chunk of my finger)

Well dudes, that's it for the trip.  I had a blast, met some really amazing people, saw some nifty stuff, and definitely can't wait for the next one.  In the meantime, I've got Tampa to keep me busy.  And right now, it smells like my meatballs are burning, so I'll get some more posts up later.

P.S.  Oh, and sorry about the carbon emissions GreenPeace.  I'll plant a shrub tomorrow, promise.

Monday, August 29, 2011

There's a Certain Glamour about Kilimanjaro

Sunset from our campsite on day 2.  Mt. Meru is on the left.
But I just can't put my finger on it.  Long story short, after a month of waiting to climb the mountain, my hiking buddy bailed on me for financial reasons very, very last second, so I quick caught a bus from Vilankulo to Maputo, Mozambique at 4am the next morning and the first flight to Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.  From there I caught another early bus to Moshi, a small'ish town at the base of the Kilimanjaro.  Somewhere along the trip up, a large block of concrete leaped out and smashed into one of my toes, leaving it black, blue, incredibly angry looking, and swollen to the point where it almost didn't want to fit into my shoe.  Consequently, my plans of climbing within the next few days faded away in bouts of throbbing pain that occasionally called out from their dungeon of painkillers... That is until I stumbled into a climbing company's shop and there stood two gorgeous Scandanavian gals making their final preparations for trekking that next morning.  "It's really not that swollen I suppose..."

So after little more than about 12 hours in Moshi and only 4 mosquito ridden hours of sleep, I found myself sitting in front of the gated entrance at the base of the mountain, alone save my mandatory park guide.  Turns out the booking company accidentally stuck us into different tours, which happens all the time according to the guide.  Great!  So while I pay the final park entrance fees (which are pretty outrageous), my guide is shuffling nervously through paperwork, much like a student would do on the day a term paper is due even though he knows he's not done it.  Apparently, his Guide Card has been stolen and he forget to report it, and they've no record of him.  It sounded pretty sketchy to me, so I was convinced to leave without him if needbe.  And that's exactly what happened, I left with a porter from another party and wandered up to the first campsite while my guide sorted out his affairs.  He never could find his paperwork, or never had it in the first place, so he borrowed another guide's paperwork to get through the gate and at every mandatory check-in point along the route.  The rest of the trek up was about on par with the beginning, but you put all that aside because you're in Africa and it's to be expected.



The sights up were absolutely amazing.  You start in a forest and within 2 days you can look straight out of your tent in the morning and see nothing but a blanket of clouds with the summit of Mt. Meru peaking through in the distance.

In typical procrastinative-me fashion, I went up the mountain ill prepared for the long hours of nothing that are to be expected in trekking.  My ipod was swallowed up by the ocean a few weeks prior, and I gave my last book away the day before, so the only bit of reading material I went up with was a Glamour magazine that I managed to swipe from the hostel on my way out.  Now this wouldn't have been so bad, but the magazine was entirely in German, and I speak absolutely none apart from the occasional sexual innuendo.  I spent the better portion of the next 6 days just staring.  Staring at the clouds, staring at the mountain, staring at the birds that sound peculiarly like helicopters, and staring at the same 76 pages of pictures, illegible articles, and advertisements over and over again while laying on a big rock somewhere.

At some point during a long hike during the third day, the scheming part of my brain kicked on and a thought popped into my mind.  I could become the only person in history to ever carry a German Glamour magazine to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro!  Almost immediately that little mouse started cruising on his oversized wheel upstairs.  I think giddy might be an understatement to some of the outrageous ideas I was coming up with in my copious amounts of free time.  I knew that once I left Tanzania and Kenya, this trip would bring me dangerously close, if not directly into German Glamour's backyard before my trip home.  I thought, and still sorta think, that if I were to take a photo at the summit with the magazine and send a very flattering letter along with it to glamour.de then I'd have an In.  An In to model ridden German pool parties, behind the scenes photo shoots, my own personal beer cart pulled by pure breed clydesdales at the Oktoberfest, the possibilities would be endless...  But all that came crashing down when we left for the summit.

With about 1200 vertical meters ahead of us and a shot at sunrise, we set off from base camp around 1:15am, a few hours after some of the other groups had already left.  We figured we'd been making great pace so far, and that we wouldn't need those extra few hours like some of the larger or slower groups would.  The lines of headlamps littering the mountainside in the distance resembled a massive snake slithering its way along at an oxygen deprived, snails pace.  By about 530am, we had reached Stella Point, which stands at around 5685 meters or 18650 feet.  It's at the lip of the crater and at the end of that last nasty push up the side of the mountain.  From here to the summit is only a short 30 or 40 minute walk and some 200 odd meters up.  Our mistake for the morning was getting to the summit a bit too early.  We arrived about 20 minutes before sunrise, and you could tell.  It was bitterly cold and the wind was ripping through every piece of clothing I had on.  It didn't take long for my fingers to lose all feeling in their cheap rental glove coffins.  We hid from the wind about as long as we dared, snapped a few photos, then made our way back in the direction of base camp.  Come to find out after we left, it was too dark and the guy who took my camera to snap the photo had accidentally changed the settings, ending in a less than magazine quality photo.  My heart sank when I saw this.  All those hours of daydreaming, of writing and revising The Letter that would get me in, wasted.  Well, I might still try some day.  What's the worst they could say, "Leave us alone you creepy fool?" :)

So I left Tanzania with some great memories, a bunch of photos, and two big, black toenails that have since detached from all but their bases and will eventually fall off.  A reminder of the good times I had.  Off to Europe!








The last stretch to basecamp
View from my tent on the morning before summit 
Sunrise from the top of Africa
Race down from the summit